I’m learning

To help yourself, you must be yourself. Be the best that you can be. When you make a mistake, learn from it, pick yourself up and move on.” — Dave Pelzer

Last night as I breastfed my 7-week-old daughter and vacuuming up my 3-year-old’s dinner mess, one handed, I had a moment. One that I am not that proud of but need to be real about… I was gritting my teeth so hard there was a moment I was sure they were going to break. I was mad that I was cleaning up the same damn mess I had just cleaned up  only minutes ago during meltdown number I lost track. I was mad that my daughter refused to let me put her down or put her in one of the carriers so I could cook dinner. I was mad that I had to cook dinner because I didn’t want to have to wash anymore dishes. I was just mad.

I lashed out and looking back acted just like the three year old I was mad at. I lashed out at my husband the moment he walked in the door.  I rushed through bedtime causing tension in my home. Causing tension to my people. I ate dinner across from my Husband in complete silence, cleaned up after I had finished and went to my room. I started folding one of the two baskets of laundry sitting on the floor but gave-up after a few folded pieces. I need a break. I needed to decompose and destress because honestly, the laundry was starting to piss me off too.

I put the laundry back in the basket, dimmed the lights, then filled my diffuser with water & Lavender.  Rubbed Tranquil essential oil on my arms, Release on my chest; took a deep breath & crawled into bed under the covers, ashamed.

I felt defeated, that anger turned into sadness. Alone in my room I couldn’t help but wonder why I couldn’t have been better. Why I couldn’t have responded differently. Why I acted … reacted that way.

I know, I am human and this is probably common with all parents.  Maybe? Maybe Not. I know this will probably happen again, and I will have to ask myself for forgiveness as well as my family.  Kids, they are great & my life would feel incomplete without them but holy hell they can be challenging.

As I continue to write this two days later it all seems so simple … I should have allowed him to play outside a little longer even though it was dinner time.  I should have allowed him to draw on his sister with chalk because they can be washed off (ha – um, no). Bottom line, I need to remind myself … daily … bend, so you don’t break.

Today, as I write this, it is a new day. I have clarity and I am no longer fuming. I am no longer stuck in that moment.  I took charge of my emotions, worked out, listened to all my favorite songs, gave a few more kisses and hugs to both kids, spoke openly with my husband about my emotions and I feel great!  This whole being a Mom thing, it is phenomenal, it is a blessing, it is not a job for the weak!!  They are going to push & some days we need to remember they are children and there is no reason to push back.  Perfect example, my three-year-old: he will be mid-meltdown of the century but if you give him a hug or kiss or even sing a favorite song to him there is a really good chance he will almost immediately snap out of it, smile and say “I feel better now – I am a big boy”. Crazy to think I could learn a few things from him.

In closing … I love this crazy chaotic life.  I am going to have a few more tough as hell days but one thing I do know … those too small pass and make more room for moments like these…

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