You Should Be Here

I don’t talk about it because it hurts.  I block it out because I don’t like the pain. I pretend like it doesn’t kill me inside.

I am mad at you for dying … YOU SHOULD be here.

“It’s perfect outside it’s like God let me dial up the weather
Got the whole crew here, I ain’t seen some of them in forever.
It’s one of those never forget it, better stop and take it in kinda scenes.
Everything’s just right yeah except for one thing.”

Today your Grandson is two years old, the Grandson you never got to meet because you left us way too soon. We were driving around earlier with the car windows down and the music up like you & I used to do.  I smiled through the pain because I knew he was watching me.  I sang the song on the radio because I saw that he was smiling and dancing.

But inside all I could think was … YOU SHOULD be here.

“You should be here, standing with your arm around me here.
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey y’all it’s sure been a good year.
It’s one of those moments, that’s got your name written all over it.
And you know that if I had just one wish it’d be that you didn’t have to miss this
You should be here.”

The other day I bought a new shirt, it reminded me so much of you.  It looks like the jean button-up you used to always wear. I feel like if I close my eyes hard enough I can almost smell your cologne.  You were the only person I knew that Old Spice smelled good on. I still haven’t taken the tags off the shirt because I don’t think I’ll ever wear it but I don’t think I can return it either.  You know, I love flannel shirts, I want to get one for myself but can’t because I am afraid I will cry every time I wear it.

Maybe I wouldn’t have to add to my pile of “things” I have to deal with it if you were around. 

Dad … YOU SHOULD be here!

“You’d be taking way too many pictures on your phone.
Showing them off to everybody that you know back home.
And even some you don’t yeah
They say now you’re in a better place
And I would be too if I could see your face.”

I am glad you aren’t dealing with your addictions anymore.  I am happy that you aren’t suffering but I am hurt… I am mad  … and I am not okay that you are gone.  Not yet. 

You were supposed to be that old man that told MY kids embarrassing and funny stories about when I grew-up.  You were supposed to become an annoying pain in the ass (more than you already were).

You were supposed to be here – YOU SHOULD be here.

“You should be here, standing with your arm around me here.
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey y’all it’s sure been a good year.
It’s one of those moments, that’s got your name written all over it.
And you know that if I had just one wish it’d be that you didn’t have to miss this.
Aw you should be here.”

Your Grandson has your walk & your silly off-beat dance moves.  He loves music like you raised me to.  We dance together and sing out of tune, you know, like we used to do.  Every time Billy Joel’s, UpTown Girl, comes on it hurts – bad – but I dance anyway because I feel like maybe you are still watching and smiling like you used to.  I always thought we’d dance to that song at my wedding.

I shouldn’t have to wish that, Dad. YOU SHOULD be here.

“You’d be loving this, you’d be freaking out, you’d be smiling, yeah
I know you’d be all about what’s going on right here right now.
God I wish somehow you could be here. 

Oh you should be here.”

I wish it were easier for me to deal with you being gone and maybe it will be one day. But until then I hope you know that if I had one wish for myself and for my son today … on his birthday … it would be that you were here with us.

And even though I am mad as hell … YOU SHOULD be here.

“Yeah this is one of those moments that’s got your name written all over it
And you know that if I have just one wish it’d be that you didn’t have to miss this.
Aw you should be here. You should be here.”

57 chevy


PressPlay: You Should Be Here – Cole Swindell

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “You Should Be Here

  1. Sarah says:

    ❤ they say one day we will understand the ins and outs of love and loss. He is the wind in your hair and the sun on your face. He is the song you hear when you need him to be there ❤

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s